Here I talk alone.

3 February.

2010-02-03T18:19:00.002+08:00

I am having a nice, quiet day today.

I've got an internet connection at home now, so I believe I will be able to write in here quite often. Though I doubt it very much. Spent some time in Facebook, where it's a quiet day as well for most of my friends. Not much activity going on. So to make myself useful, I'm downloading some music because I've meaning to update my iTunes for the longest time now. It was raining about 1-2 hours ago, and I felt really calm.

You know, I was not this person before. I would never feel calm or happy being with my own self. I used to need to be with and around people. I must have grown without me realizing it, because most of the time, I feel quite the same inside. But now, I think I can actually handle going out on my own, or even just having myself as my only company. I wouldn't say that I want to be like this all the time, but I am not as restless as I would feel years ago. I am still this dependent on other people, especially towards my other half.

Oh well. I'll talk more when I have the mood. Oh, this is my birthday month. Hmmm.

I can't believe...

2010-02-02T12:18:00.002+08:00

that the last time I wrote in here was in July 2009!

Wow, why am I surprised? It's just so me. Anyway, happy 2010 to me. This year, I decide that I want to have a resolution. Just to see how am I doing in life. If I am capable to get things done and achieve something that I can be proud of.

This year, in January, I'm starting with these facts:

1. I am married.
2. I have moved to a new house, although still renting.
3. I do not have a car.
4. I have a new bigger refrigerator, a washing machine, and a 32" LCD TV.
5. I am still looking for a job. With good salary.

So I want to see how far am I gonna go this year. See whether I can still go on to write things in here. OH AM I FICKLE!

OK, I'm off to surf some more until I have things to really talk about.

This is for me to remember him.

2009-07-09T17:15:00.002+08:00

Hi, I'm back.

Michael Jackson is dead. Facebook was full of updated status of people acknowledging the fact the day after. Sure, he was someone that have always been a piece of enigma to all of us. A subject of ridicule and all those dirty things brought on by his fame. But still, a part of me was sad that he's gone. I mean, our generation grows with his music. Who has never heard of him?

There was a televised memorial service for him yesterday, and I watched the repeat show last night. It was the most beautiful and heartwrenching thing I ever saw on TV. All those people who spoke from their hearts, people who knew him as a person, someone they knew inside. Not the freak as everyone was led to believe. I love Brooke Shield's speech. I can feel her broken heart as she struggles not to break down. And I like the part where she said Michael is not a King, but rather, a Little Prince and proceeded to quote lines from the book, where the pilot ponders upon the Prince's body after his death.

Reverend Al Sharpton's speech was powerful! I cannot help but cry and clap my hands at the way he put those words together. It was beautiful. My heart swelled when he said, "To Michael's children, your daddy wasn't strange. What happened to him was strange, and he dealt with it!" Or something to that effect. W.O.W!

Of course, the part that broke everyone was his daughter's goodbye to him, standing before his coffin. Paris reminds us all that Michael - without the sequinned glove, without the hat, no longer standing on his toes, no longer basking in the spotlight and the thunderous applause after every show - was just a regular Daddy. Sad. But beautiful.

Goodbye Michael. You will always be remembered for your music and the massive impact you've made during your stay. You unite the world, and put hope in the future for all of us. Rest well. I just hope that they will leave you alone now.

Something struck me...

2009-05-03T01:02:00.002+08:00

and got me thinking. No matter how dependent you are on other people, no matter how they always be there for you, no matter how big a favour you need from them, no matter how big the love you have for each other and how big the sacrifice they're willing to do for you; you will always be alone. In making your own decision, in deciding what's best to do for your own good, in protecting your own heart when you sense it's about to be broken. We are in charge of our own self and destiny.

Of course, I knew this before today. But like I said, it just struck me and got me thinking more deeply about this than I ever was. I am currently in the middle of doing something big in my life. Not one, but two big things. How's that? Ok, let's not beat around the bushes and I'll let it out (as if I've never written about it before, duh!): I am getting married and buying a house, all within these few months.

Obviously, there is someone else involved. I was thinking, I have someone that I can share this wonderful journey with, together. It should be fun, doing this thing, together. Well, up till now, all I can see is that it's just me, producing this on my own. I tried to delegate, but nothing is being done on the other part on the basis that he's tired from work, no time, don't know where to start without money, blahblahblah...then? I myself do not have these privileges, but at least I am aware that I really have to do this. No matter how much I dread it, I still know that I have to really have to make myself do it, even if I have to drag my feet. Oh, why oh why have nobody warned me about this? I am sure that I am not the first person to experience this; men dumping everything on the woman just because they don't feel like it. Oh, I'm just flabbergasted, actually, when I saw this status: keep pushing me and miserable july awaits. I was just checking on the progress that I tasked him to do! I can't be doing everything on my own. He's a part of that thing as much as I am! Time is short, so how can he still expects us both to be doing nothing and hopes that everything falls into place perfectly? Men! Grrrhhh!!

So that thing made me realize that if you want things to be done - and someone that you have entrusted to help you do it is unable to do so - just roll up your sleeve and do it yourself. You only have yourself to rely on. You do not need to depend on someone else. You're in charge of what you want. Take a stand. Take a grip. If you really want it, grit your teeth and just get on with it. Just don't think about all those emotional things. Don't dwell on feelings. Sacrifice. Forget. Forgive. Compromise.

[That was me advising myself. I have to. And I sounded so mature. Yes, I made progress and am proud of myself. I have grown, I think. I am trying to break free from the person who is always helpless, dependent, and whiny. And I really made progress here. *Giving a pat for myself on the back, cause i cannot depend on somebody else*]

Note: I am not sure what was I babbling above, but I'll just click on "Publish" anyway, just to prove myself that sometimes, I am just an emotional piece of crap.

Wed, 22 April.

2009-04-22T15:18:00.002+08:00

[Song on iTunes when I start: Rachael Yamagata - Sunday Afternoon)

Another day in living hell. I woke up today with the heaviest heart. Can barely drag myself out of bed, knowing that I have to go work. Not a good way to start your morning.

On a different note, I'm loving Rachael more than ever. Her new album is just hauntingly beautiful; fits well with my mood and current turbulent emotion.

And that is all today.

Note to self: Survive today.

[Song on iTunes when I finish: still the same as above]

Today's photo: NONE.

Can I say the F word?

2009-04-22T01:15:00.002+08:00

I am in no mood to follow any format whatsoever. Just want to vent out.

I am desperately looking for a new job, while still having to endure the shitty situations and pressure from people around me, unpredictable and frustrating environment at work. Oh, God. How I wish I can just stop going to work one day and just leave that life away. [Note to self: Never ever get yourself lured back into this situation]

I was doing a lot of soul-searching these past few weeks. Come to think of it - it's been months. I am no longer me. I don't feel like I am the same person as I was before. All because of this job. I lost my purpose in life. I lost my passion. I lost my interest. I lost my time. I lost my heart. In fact, I lost myself.

Is that how I would want to live for years to come? Hell, no! Definitely na-ah! I have lots of things that I know I do not want. But the hardest thing to figure out is this: Then, what do yo want? What do you like? What do you love? What do you want to do? Maybe to some other lucky people, they can answer all this in a snap! "Hey, I've always wanted to be a doctor/lawyer/teacher etc." But me, I have never known what I want to be. I am still the rower who just started to pick up her row, staring into the far distance of the sea, trying to figure out which way is better to avoid the suffocating and horrible land, while the boat bobs away on the water, waiting for her to go. Saying, "Hey, come on! Make up your mind already. You want to get out of there, then just go! Go! Go! GO!" And the rower just stands there. Oblivious to the shouts and pressure. Cause she's simply struck numb. And I am her.

And this is supposed to be my positive year. I am supposed to be happy, looking forward to lots of new, wonderful things. And yet, I am miserable, tired, bored and unhappy. Should I change the way I think? Well, I think I do, but I just don't know how. Yes, it's an excuse, but it is so hard to pick yourself up again when you keep falling down. You simply forget to look up and see the road beyond. All you see is the dirt you collected.

Damn, life is hard. Forget about the "Knowledge is power" thing. MONEY is power. Money is everything now and here. It can buy happiness. It can buy dreams. It can buy everything you'd ever want.

I have been writing thoughtlessly. And I think this note is becoming incomprehensible. Definitely not on the same train of thoughts.

Oh, well. To hell with everything. What actually saddens me more, is that I am finding it harder and harder for me to smile. And I am the girl who's known to stick out my teeth and just smile at everybody. My smile was cheap back then. Now, the ugly frown is permanently on the top of my forehead. I wear a scowl everywhere I go. Go figure. I just need a saviour. Someone to offer me their hand and just guide me on the path.

I'll just wait. With a frown and a scowl.

What I've been up to.

2009-03-28T17:27:00.003+08:00

I just came back from lunch and work. It was raining hard outside when I reach home, but I think it has stopped. I can still hear some thunder in the far distance though. But the dark sky after the rain is beautiful. The raindrops are still on my window and I love it. I wish I have a reading corner by the window where I can sit with some fluffy cushions and read while looking at the world outside.

Anyway, I had a big Japanese buffet lunch. A farewell lunch for colleagues who are leaving, as a matter of fact. We ordered too much and we still had tons of food left when we're all somewhat finished. I can cry if they force me to eat more.

Oh, I hate it when people comes in inside a lift and presses the 'Close' button impatiently lots of times. Call it my pet peeve, but I really can't stand it when people do it. I mean, the machine will know that you pressed it the first time. Give it some chance to react! People's minds do not react immediately, so why must a machine? It happened to me when I came back just now, so I just want to vent it out.

I have also been learning to solve the Rubik's Cube. I discovered that it can actually be learned; it's not an intelligence test where you find out how you fare intelectually if you can solve it. There a steps on how to solve it and I manage to complete the cube in 2 days. Not bad, I think.

And I am reading Sophie's World now. Trying to finish by next month and get started on the new books I bought about 2 months ago. Haven't actually got the time to read books lately because I was so tired from work. Damn the job. I've said it so many times, and I'll say it again: I don't like my job and I want to quit. But I don't know where to go, or even what I want to do, and even what I love. I'm pathetic and I know it. I'm a lost boat in the big sea.

Gonna read the book now and sleep. The weather's perfect for a lazy afternoon in bed.

p/s: Oh! Tonight is the Earth Hour moment! Switch off the lights for 1 hour and show the world where we stand for the good of the environment. Hmm.

Today's photo:

My small library. I'm still building it. Got a long list of books I want to buy and read since forever. Books do not come cheap here. I've vowed to read more books this year, so hopefully this area can be expanded more.

The Rubik's Cube I've been practising on. I manage to do up until the 2nd layer almost effortlessly now. Hopefully I can master it by next month.

Formatting hell.

2009-03-04T20:05:00.001+08:00

By the way, I hate the formatting errors in the post below. With the spacing and all.

2009-03-04T19:33:00.004+08:00

[Song on iTunes when I start: None]

I found my iPod the night after I wrote about it. Memang ada bawah timbunan baju pun. It did give me a scare, though.

My right arm and shoulder, not to forget my butt, is aching. I mean, it feels like having cramps. All this because I was trying out my hand playing Wii Sports. First time cuba, mesti beria sikit. Padahal main bowling virtually, tapi knowing me yang memang sentiasa beria dan bersemangat lebih-lebih, main sampai macam nak terputus urat semua. It'll definitely be a while before I get my hands on it again.

Another thing, I wish to have financial freedom in near future. But I don't know how to achieve it. I'm just so tired of always not having enough money to buy anything, to eat someplace nice once in a while and barely have enough to pay for my monthly expenses. Urghh! Saje je nak let it out. Sikit je.

On a cheerful note, I have always find myself to look for the simple but awesome things in life and in the world. I cannot help but to put on a few photos here today that are just simply AWESOME! Oh, I'll start giving the photos proper credit from now on. Sorry for the previous ignorance!

Today's photo(s):

Photo 1

Isn't it the cutest thing ever? Can't help but smile big when I see this.

Taken from here.

Description: Pemba, a four-month-old red panda cub makes his first public appearance at Sydney's Taronga Zoo, Australia, Wednesday, March 4, 2009. Pemba is the 44th red panda cub bred in the zoo's international breeding program for the endangered species since 1977.(AP Photo/Mark Baker)

Photo 2

Looks ugly-but-extremely-cute at the same time. Want to pet and touch its nose so bad!

Taken from here.

Description: In this photo provided by the San Francisco Zoo, an infant male gorilla is presented for the first time to the media, Thursday, Feb. 12, 2009 in San Francisco. The baby gorilla was born December 8, 2008 at the San Francisco Zoo and now weighs 11.3 pounds. The Zoo is hand-rearing the infant gorilla and surrogate training another female gorilla after the birth mother did not show interest in the newborn. The Zoo announced a global 'Name the Baby' contest, as well as an online gift registry for its newest arrival.(AP Photo/George Nikitin, San Francisco Zoo)

Photo 3

This. Is Simply Amazing. The world constantly surprises us with the odd but beautiful things that can happen. I love cats, and I love the unconditional love as displayed here.

Taken from here.

Description: Smaigel the cat nurses her kittens and four puppies at her owner Mohammad Al-Hamoury's house in Amman February 26, 2009. Smaigel is parenting the puppies whose mother died in a car accident.REUTERS/Muhammad Hamed (JORDAN)

Well, that's all I have. The rain is here, and I'm going back home to chill and try to finish a few chapters of the book I'm reading. I sometimes manage to amaze myself by succeeding on avoiding the idiot box. I miss History Channel, though.

[Song on iTunes when I finish: None]

Cemas!

2009-02-23T19:56:00.004+08:00

[Song on iTunes / iPod when I start: None!]

Ohhh, this looks bad to me. I don't know where my iPod touch is at the moment. Manakah? I was looking for it this morning when I was getting ready to work, tapi bila tak jumpa, I thought that it must be in the office. Bila sampai ofis, takde pun? Ahhhh, tak suka.

That beauty was a birthday gift for me last year. I cannot, cannot lose it. I will never get any gifts anymore if I lost it.

I'm gonna go home now and look high and low for it. And my phone charger as well! They must have been hidden under some clothes at home. Must. Must.

I'm such a careless freak.

Today's photo:

My baby.

[Song on iTunes/iPod when I finish: None!]

Kadang-kadang aku bengang dengan diri sendiri.

2009-02-21T00:22:00.004+08:00

[Song on iTunes when I start: Ladytron - Seventeen] ---> Yeay! Diorang datang KL!

Tak, sebenarnya selalu je aku bengang dengan diri sendiri.

Takut banyak sangat benda sampai aku menyampah sebab aku tak tahu nak buat apa. Mungkin ke sebab aku ni was living a very protected life? Selalu je ade orang sekeliling yang nak (atau terpaksa?) berlari-lari tolong aku everytime I was caught up a predicament. Jadinya, aku ni jadi seorang yang terlebih dimanjakan sampai tak boleh jadi independent langsung. Asyik nak mengharap orang untuk selesaikan masalah sampai diri sendiri tak tau nak handle macam mana.

Ok, aku nak cakap pasal naik kapal terbang. I'm afraid of heights, so naturally I'm afraid of flying. Tapi dari kecil memang aku sangat teringin nak travel by flights. Sebabnya nampak macam lagi 'travel' dari naik bas atau kereta atau bot atau selainnya. Check in, boarding, passport, duty-free and all the works. First time I finally flew was when I was 17 to JB. Dan kau naik sebuah kenderaan yang macam out of this world, yang sebenarnya tak natural untuk manusia, because we're not meant to fly. It's understandable untuk manusia takut untuk naik kapal terbang sebenarnya.

Tapi aku punya takut takdelah melampau. Gigil tu gigil jugak, sebab aku tak suka dengar benda-benda atau bunyi-bunyian enjin apa semua tu. Takut macam apa-apa jadi. Aku ni sebenarnya takut dengan the unknown fear. Tapi aku suka bila enjin tu mula bunyi menderu kuat yang tengah bersedia untuk take-off. Rasa macam, "Here we go to meet the clouds!". And the feeling when the airplane is lifting itself from the ground tu, always, without fail gives me a certain pleasure in my stomach. Adrenaline rushes into my heart and I love it.

Tapi aku tak suka sangat landing time. Bila kapal tu merendah turun, the altitude change kadang-kadang buat telinga aku sakit sangat sampai rasa nak meletup dan semestinya, aku takut gila. Nak menangis pun ada. Hope next time tak adalah sakit-sakit ni. Buat kacau je.

Aku sebenarnya tak sabar nak travel lagi. Tu yang cakap pasal flights ni. Kan best kalau jadi travel writer? Atau host dalam Travel & Living Channel tu? You're getting paid to travel and explore the world wey! It doesn't feel like work to me.

Today's photo:

I love choosing seats where I can see the wings. And definitely window seat. Looking outside when I travel is a must. It calms me down, being one with the sky.

Nota: Malam ni panas sungguh. Tak boleh tidur lah! Angin tak ada langsung.

[Song on iTunes when I finish: Miss Kittin - Frank Sinatra]

Gatal tangan.

2009-02-20T11:52:00.003+08:00

[Song on iPod when I start: Rilo Kiley - Rest of My Life]

I'm sneaking up some time to write this. I just feel like typing.

I am watching Weeds now. Part of it because I got bored and tired with the shows on Astro and also because my Astro is cut off because I have yet to pay the bill. And so I turn to another avenue. The show is good, and lots of coverage on Nancy the main cast, the super sexy widow turned pot dealer. It amazes me everytime what she can do with her mouth combined with her cute nose.

Now that I'm typing, I actually don't know what to say. There are lots of things I want to write about last night. The words whizzed past across my head but I was doing something else, so....

And today I'm sitting in a very hot office. No electricity but with extension cables from someplace else, I'm able to use this computer. I kinda like the wind coming in from the window, though, as opposed to freezing in an air-conditioned room. The breeze calms me down. And I only had jambu potong with asam and cucumber with salt for lunch. By pukul 4 mesti lapar.

Ok, I'm done here.

Eh, wait! I wanna go see Ladyron lah this Saturday. And I have to find out about it now! It's tomorrow and I haven't find out anything except who and where.

Today's photo:

The gorgeous and marvellous Nancy Botwin. She can really pull off that 50s - 60s suburbia mom look here, with unbelievably sexy touch.

[Song on iPod when I finish: Scissor Sisters - Return to Oz]

Cuba menulis di malam yang panas.

2009-02-19T00:32:00.004+08:00

[Song on iTunes when I start: Freezepop - Starlight]

Hey, it is so hot at nights now. It has not been raining for quite some time. And so I'm getting a hard time trying to sleep. Gila tak selesa ok terpusing-pusing cari spot yang paling sejuk.

Anyway, I just got back from watching our first Malaysian made 3D animation film. Geng: Upin & Ipin. It was good, in terms of the modelling & animation. I was amazed at the detailing done. Would never be able to do that although I did study the subject in uni. Never got the talents. Bravo to them! Their passion and hard work definitely shows through. Hoping for more to come from these guys.

I'm gonna start putting in random photos at the end of every post. There are lots of things we stumble upon everyday on the net that we like. I just don't want it to be forgotten amongst all the thousands of folders we all have in the computer.

Today's photo:

I just like her character and how she puts together her clothes. Couldn't stop staring. I love beautiful girls.

That's it. I'm done for today. Gonna get myself comfortable and read a book. Ta!

[Song on iTunes when I finish: Peaches - Fuck The Pain Away]

This is so typical me.

2009-02-18T16:06:00.007+08:00

Yes, I am finally here. What happens to giving an avenue to myself, promising to pour out everything and anything that troubles me instead of keeping it inside and let it kill my soul? I am like that, and I am once again, thoroughly disappointed with myself because I have not changed. At all. I am still that person who cannot commit to anything that interests me for long. The spark doesn't last long enough. It withered away and die because I just couldn't hold on to it long enough to keep the wind away.

I keep on reading other people's blogs and spaces, admiring them for having a secret (although not so secret because I manage to read their words) place to go and talk about anything they want without a care in the world. I got myself one space, and I neglected it.

So I'm gonna start small. I'll make it a habit to log on everyday and at least type 1 sentence, just to make myself familiar with the works. I don't want to avoid anything from now on, because all those things that we avoid will always, always come back and slap you in the face, full force and you won't even know what hit you and how to react.

Anyway, I found some things over the net last week that made me smile:

This cow was born about 1-2 days before Valentine's Day this year. He's from Japan. Appropriately named "Heart". I just think it's a gift that God gives us as a reminder to make us remember that there are always lots of love in the world. This photo reached out to me, and I am bouncing back with a warm heart. Yes, the world is awesome.

I have always loved to look up and admire the sky. So mysterious, so quiet, so full of wisdom. It doesn't surprise me at all that we can learn so much just from analyzing the stars. And that is why I love this photo. This was taken in New Zealand. I wish we can have skies like this where I live so that I can very very happy at night before sleeptime. It really does look like thousands of diamond glittering in the black night. OK, millions. No, make it trillions, or zillions. The world is awesome.

A firefighter sharing his bottle of water with a koala he found among the bush in the huge wildfire in Australia while the koala-his paws burned from walking through the smoldering earth and ash-puts its hand on the firefighter's cold hands from the water. The most heartwarming and touching photo ever! The koala must be so thankful. And my heart jumps out to the firefighter for having the most kindest heart, nevermind how sweaty he must be in that suit. Somehow, the scruffy hair and the dirt on his face makes up for everything. I think the world is awesome.

That's all. I'm reeking of positiveness today because I really think the world is awesome! Haha. I know, enough already.

1 Jan.

2009-01-02T12:08:00.002+08:00

The Curve's fireworks on the eve of New Year is spectacular! Actually, it has always been like that. 15 long minutes of bangs, lights, and cheers in the dark sky. I was watching the show alone from my balcony. Lolita was with me but she was too scared of the booming sound and hid away under the sofa, eyes round and black. So cute. The fireworks is bigger and grander this year, like it was really determined to forget and chase away everything bad that happened in 2008 and start anew. I was smiling to myself, enjoying the colours of the fire in the sky. Was feeling a bit down by don't-know-what. Didn't have plans for the night. I wanted to go out actually, so in the end, we joined our friends at a BBQ party at their house. Bad reception for mobile lines at their housing area, I must tell. But nice house. We talked all night, planning for Langkawi. I always had fun with the boys.

Then on New Year's Day, I went to Pyramid with a friend's girl and walked around for more than 3 hours while waiting for the friend and my boy to finish listening to a "business presentation", just so that they can get our accommodation for Langkawi out of the way. Lucky they got that, or else I would have sulked for the remaining hours of the day. Went to the Curve and looked around for our engagement/wedding rings and so, we got ourselves our first expensive pieces of jewellery, and me my first diamond. It is not showy, it has a nice cut, and I'm happy with it. Now we are set to get married. Haha.

I sound boring here. But so what? I haven't do any resolutions except to save money to buy the tons of things we need to prepare, and I don't give a damn about it anyway. So yeah, I'm going back to wasting time and I'll come back when I feel like it, like always.

Positivity reeks here.

2008-12-31T11:14:00.003+08:00

I am talking to a friend on YM now. Was telling her about my plan to get married and my troubles going down that road and she hers. I divulged my excitement of meeting my first nephew next year and she said:

"Wow. While everyone is on crisis, u got tons of things to look fwd to"

I was stunned. Got me thinking, "Huh, I DO have a lot of things to look forward to." While every prediction about 2009 I encountered gave news of grave situations, my life next year is looking promising for now. I have things to look forward and to be happy about. Even if I stumbled upon the pebbles on the road, I have a reason to look up and get my feet off the ground, for I have things waiting for me up front. My heart is lighter now, just thinking about this. This year has not been so good to me, that I notice I've turned into some pessimist, unhappy girl. That thing my friend said has lifted all regrets away and made me realize that my life will not be that bad after all. She gives me a reason to continue on hoping and be happy, for things ARE looking up for me.

I have a vacation next month to Langkawi; going to be away for 4 days with a big group of friends and the boyfriend. First ever vacation with him in 9 years we've been together, I must say. Don't know what to expect, but I'm determined to enjoy ourselves and have fun. Definitely starting the year with a bang!

The next month after, I'm going away to see and admire Angkor Wat with my favourite girls on earth. It's going to be so fun doing sightseeing together and talk craps while eating and camwhoring. These girls who I love to death can make me die in happiness, I tell you.

My birthday is in February on a Friday, so I am already planning to go out having fun in the night. It's very rare that I have a chance to really celebrate my birthday due to work commitments and all, so I'm looking forward to welcome the addition of another year to my being also with a bang!

And I will probably be wearing the ring in August, when my brother comes back with the baby. Oh, another joyous thing to be happy about!

I am so full of positivity right now, I can go through today with a secret smile in my heart, knowing that by tomorrow, my life is changing for the better.

English Mode: ON

2008-12-30T14:09:00.002+08:00

Phew! That was a really angry post down there, huh?

Anyway, I'm feeling better today and now in my leisurely working state. I don't really have anything to rush, due to the minimal workload here in the office. And I'm still counting days until my vacation trip next month. Really can't wait!

Another anywayy, I got my first ever nephew on Christmas Day. A boy. But he's wayyy over the seas around the world in UK. Can only meet him when my brother comes back next year, hopefully for my wedding (gasp!). Can't really believe I'm getting married at last. Knowing me, it may or may not happen. Cross fingers, touch wood, make a wish on the well, whatever. But I now have a valid reason to buy those little cute shoes I've been admiring since forever. Don't really like kids, and I'm forever awkward when I'm thrown into the situation where there's a supposedly cute toddler around, and everybody goes "ooh" and gaga over. I always do not know what to do or say. I suspect the kid will really find it weird if I do those crazy, cute faces I see people do. I'm more comfortable with cats. But I think I'd like to have kids someday (not now!), as I don't ever want to be an old maid living with 30 cats in the house.

I'm annoyed with all these noises from the renovation work going on in my office now. Can't hear anything without asking everyone repeating what they're saying again and again. Can't even hear myself think. *takes a deep breath* But I'm not going to be angry today. I'm not.

I should think about New Year resolutions now. Although I'll be lying to myself, pretending to set up goals and attempting to fulfil it like 20088759937 other people who draw up their own resolutions. I mean, it takes a really strong person emotionally and mentally to take up the challenge. I'm not one of those people, but what the heck, I'll do it anyway and laugh at myself when the year ends. Oh, talking about new year, I dig the bubble wrap calendar that New Yorker guy invented. It satisfies the bubble popper persona inside us. I mean, everyone likes to pop air bubbles, right? I know I do. Just takes a bit of courage and patience not to pop everything on 1st Jan. Hehe, now that's fun!

OK, as usual, I'll come back when I have more to say.

p/s: I notice that I don't have much idea of writing anything nowadays. Especially those short notes, those supposed "poems" of mine. Oh crap. Memang hangat-hangat tahi ayam. Bosan-bosan pergi makan bayam. LAME.

Hari ini ku datang riang...NOT!

2008-12-29T11:17:00.002+08:00

Hampir sebulan baru aku datang sini balik? Memanglah perangai batuk di tepi tangga, hangat-hangat tahi ayam segala. Tapi oklah kira, sekurang-kurangnya aku masih ingat aku ada blog ini. Tak siapa pun suruh kemaskini setiap hari. Aku bukannya tak ada kerja.

Ok, aku nak cakap ni. Aku tulis dalam bentuk poin (tak tahu patut ada huruf T ke tak kalau aku niat nak eja dalam Bahasa Melayu...ke Bahasa Malaysia? Dah tak dapat keep track), sebab suka:

1. Aku benci sebab banyak syarikat lain, termasuk segala klien aku cuti terus sampai cuti Tahun Baru, padahal aku cuti sehari, sehari secara rompong. Maksudnya mereka cuti dari Khamis sampailahhhh Ahad 4hb tu. Sebab cuti Krismas, Awal Muharram dan Tahun Baru dekat-dekat. Kan ke gila lama tu? Dah la aku ni kerja hari Sabtu. Memang rasa macam nak mencarut, tapi sebab aku tak biasa mencarut, aku rasa sajalah, tak buat pun. Tak tahu nak kata apa dah, malas gila jadi layankan saja. Semua kawan aku dah lama cakap aku ni "workaholic", satu-satunya perkataan dan jenis manusia yang paling aku benci. Sebab aku tak pernah rasa aku patut biarkan diri aku jadi salah seorang "workaholic". Dan sekarang aku tengah menulis benda ni di pejabat, which is absurd, sebab aku ada talian Internet di rumah.

2. Ini ada kaitan dengan Poin 1. Dah tahu kita tengah musim cuti, tak reti kah nak bagi gaji awal sedikit dari biasa? Hujung tahun ni wei. Jualan murah berlambak-lambak. Aku pulak hampir kering kontang. Orang lain punya bermegah sebab dapat gaji awal, siap bonus 2-3 bulan buat hati aku panas gila. Sebab aku di sini dibiarkan ternganga. Dah lah aku baru dapat tahu "orang atasan" di syarikat aku sudah dapat gajinya, siap ada yang dapat bonus 5 bulan. Memang nak buat aku marah la ni.

3. Maaf aku sedikit bitter. Memang tekanan perasaan habis. Tapi dengan sedikitnya hari cuti yang aku ada, aku telah gunakan Sabtu dan Ahad sepenuhnya untuk diri sendiri. Hari Sabtu, aku tonton filem dalam 3-4 berturut-turut. Puas hati aku. Hari Ahad, aku tidur sampai tengahari seperti biasa. Bangun makan, dan sambung tonton DVD lagi. Kemas rumah sikit-sikit, dan bermain-main dengan kucing.

4. Aku mahu layari Internet dan blog orang, tapi rasa bosan. Sebab aku tertekan dengan poin 1 dan 2.

5. Aku beli satu skirt secara online, sudah bayar semua, tapi masih belum sampai. Sedang tunggu lah ni. Entah bila.

6. Tak sabar mahu tunggu untuk bercuti. Tahun lepas aku tak dapat ke mana-mana, itulah sebab aku terlebih tertekan. Tahun depan bulan 1 mahu ke Langkawi, dan bulan 2 ke Siem Reap, melawat Angkor Wat. Ambik kau, berturut-turut. Puas hati aku.

7. Banyak dan selalu sangat tertekan, mungkin dah sampai masanya aku pergi ke tempat lain. Ini aku sudah cakap banyak kali, tapi memang tak buat. Aku tak tahu kenapa. Aku nak ke taknak? Pergilah, maksud aku. Orang sekeliling sudah tak larat dengar aku merungut. Tapi memang ini aku. All bark, no bite.

OK, aku dah kehabisan idea mahu cakap apa. Aku post ini dulu, kalau ada lagi, aku datang balik. Sekarang aku nak buang masa. Lagi 7 jam ke waktu pulang.

Tony Fernandes, aku sangat sayang kamu!

2008-11-26T13:00:00.002+08:00

Aku baca di Yahoo News tadi, bahawa Air Asia X telah melancarkan penerbangan ke London! Harga mula dari 99 pounds. Ah, idaman aku telah menjadi kenyataan nampaknya. Tak tahu bagaimana mahu gambarkan. Dengan pantas aku klik ke laman webnya dan pastinya, booking untuk musim sejuk dan panas tahun 2009 sudah dibuka!

Paling murah yang aku tengok setakat ini ialah RM579 sehala. Mungkin ada lagi. Sambil aku tulis sini, sambil berangan untuk pilih tarikh. Ohhhhh, kalau aku jadi kahwin tahun depan, dapatlah aku pergi melancong ke sana untuk bulan madu dengan kadar lebih murah. Sangat sangat sangat gembira!

Terima kasih banyak-banyak Tony!

Rawak #2

2008-11-20T13:20:00.002+08:00

Sekali lagi. Aku memanglah seorang yang random gila. Setakat ini hampir kebanyakan benda yang aku buat dan fikir, segalanya random. Segalanya on impulse. Macamlah kelahiran blog ini. Spur of the moment. Tak tahu berapa lama boleh bertahan.

1.
Pagi tadi semasa aku dalam kereta menunggu lampu isyarat hijau mahu datang kerja, tiba-tiba fikiran dan hati aku terdetik, "Maggi Ayam!" Memang tiba-tiba. Dan aku pun decide mahu makan Maggi Ayam untuk santapan tengahari. Jadi tadi, aku berjalan ke kedai mini berdekatan dan beli 1 pek 5 peket Maggi. RM4.30 ok? Aku tak tahu harganya sudah jadi sebegitu mahal. Dan sekarang aku pun kenyang makan. Seperti biasa, penutup santapan ialah buah jambu batu potong.

2.
Semalam, semasa sedang tengok-tengok YouTube, terjumpa video tentang Human Tetris. Sangat tabik pada kekreatifan dan kerajinan dan kesungguhan pembuatnya. Aku belum pandai nak upload video segala. Nantilah.

3.
Aku tak tahu kenapa, tapi aku panggil lampu isyarat yang tengah, sebagai warna "Oren". Jadi bila pemandu kereta yang aku naiki tekan pedal minyak untuk terus laju sebab kononnya masih sempat (seperti majoriti pemandu di Malaysia), aku akan cakap, "Eh, janganlah speed, kan dah oren tu?" Pemandu dan orang-orang yang mendengar mesti akan ketawakan aku, sebab mengikut piawaian yang ditetapkan, warnanya patut disebut "Kuning". Padahal terang-terang warnanya jingga. Peliklah aku.

4.
Aku ada blog, walaupun baru. Aku tulis dalam blog, walaupun baru. Tapi aku rasa gelilah nak gelar diri sendiri blogger. Yang berada dalam blogosphere katanya. Yang bersosial dalam blogging community. Yekkk.

5.
Aku tak boleh nak bawa diri aku untuk tengok gambar-gambar kawan aku yang sedang menjelajah bumi Eropah sekarang. Sebulan, mungkin dua bulan. Hati aku akan jadi rasa semacam, yang aku macam bersalah nak rasa, sebab culture mengatakan kita yang patut gembira untuk dia. Tapi, bukankah kita patut rasa apa yang ia mahu rasa? Biarlah hati kita nak rasa macam mana pun. Buat apa nak tahan-tahan? Ah, mampuslah. Aku dengki ok? Aku dengki.

Ok itu saja. Cukup...setakat ni lah.

Di celahan hati usang.

2008-11-19T17:55:00.002+08:00

I

Adanya suatu ketika
Di celah halaman waktu
Di antara perenggan masa
Datangnya bayu dingin membaluti jiwa
Terlalai aku, nyenyaklah aku
Meresap ia di celah ruang hati
Halus
Sepi
Dan nyalaan terang api hati aku padam.

II

Di saat ia beku dingin
Hadir jejaka, tadah sekeping hatinya
Dipotong, dihias indah penuh tulus
Minta kujamah isi merah segar
Terujanya diri
Datang sang obor tuk cucuh nyala api

(akan disambung kelak)

Rawak.

2008-11-19T16:29:00.002+08:00

1. Aku. Aku yang rawak.
2. Sangat tidak boleh buat keputusan dan stick with it. Sudah pun aku tukar layout blog ini.
3. English/Bahasa Melayu (atau Malaysia?).
4. Aku benci perkataan 'baharu' dalam versi iklan terkini.
5. Aku suka hujan. Hujan sebenar. Bukan kumpulan muzik itu.
6. Sedang suka Yuna sebab suaranya hampir serupa dengan Rachael Yamagata / Feist. Semestinya, lagu dia sedap.
7. Mahu pergi Melaka untuk naik Menara Taming Sari walaupun aku takut tinggi. Haritu tak sempat sebab kekurangan masa.
8. iPod aku belum diupdate lagi dengan lagu baru dimuat turun.
9. Aku mahu beli buku nota Moleskine.
10. Sudah lama tak melawat Che Det.com.
11. Aku mahu gaji lebih.

Itu saja. Memang random habis.

Looking forward to...

2008-11-19T12:30:00.000+08:00

...read this book.
And watch the movie.

This confirmed my own long-time suspicion that I actually crave and live for any stories, books or films made out of the Holocaust. I love the human stories behind the war, of how in between the pain and the suffering, beauty still managed to show through, no matter how sad or happy the stories made us feel. Humans are naturally kind, knowing when to give away pieces of their heart to others who need it the most. There are numerous tales about true Germans or Nazis who can't help but throw their pities and sympathies the other way, towards the reduced-to-lesser-than-human Jews. I applaud them. I want to believe that there are still love and kindness in human. I don't want to lose hope on it, ever.

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is a typical story of how a Nazi boy befriended a Jewish boy, who is stuck in a concentration camp. Wouldn't want to explain more until I read the book and watch the film. (I'm sure the film can never capture the book fully, like all the other book-to-film before it. I'll watch it anyway.) But no matter how many times I've read these stories, I long to learn more about it. To read more, to know more.

Here are some stories I've read and watched about this particular war:

1. The Diary of A Young Girl - Anne Frank (book)
2. The Book Thief (book)
3. A Beautiful Life (film)
4. The Pianist (film)

There are more, but I can't remember all now.
I want to write more about other things, but maybe in next post.
I'm starting to ramble here.
.

The world is boiling.

2008-11-18T14:03:00.003+08:00

.
Earthquakes, floods, storms, massive fires. The earth is on its deathbed
It frightens me, somehow. Is this the end of our fate?

It scares the shit out of me. To hear millions been forced to bid farewell
What have we done to bring on this wrath. Is the numbers still going to swell?

Oh, it's not some fictitious tale anymore. The truth is screaming, blaring, shouting
Cover your ears, close your eyes, shut them out. You can't deny, the reality is here, definitely happening.
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Cerita iPod lagi.

2008-11-18T13:41:00.002+08:00

.

Tadi semasa aku sedang lepak merokok di luar pejabat, aku nampak bos pejabat sebelah aku berjalan keluar dengan memegang tangan anak lelakinya. Budak berumur lebih kurang darjah 1 atau 2 (aku memang sangat bodoh bab meneka umur orang), memakai baju dan seluar pendek biru. Mahu berjalan ke kereta lagak mereka berdua.

Aku terperasan yang budak itu ada tersangkut earbuds putih iPod di kedua telinganya. Kalau Steve Jobs nampak mesti bangga, budak seumur itu sudah pandai menghargai muzik dan iPodnya. iPod apa budak itu guna, aku tak nampak, sebab terletak di dalam poket. Tapi aku mahu agak, sekurang-kurangnya nano atau shuffle. Sebab poket budak lelaki umur 7-8 tahun mestilah tak sebesar mana.

Yang buat aku tertanya, lagu apa yang dia sedang dengar? Sampai sekarang aku masih fikir. Mungkinkah Barney? Mungkinkah lagu latar Spongebob Squarepants? Atau lagu-lagu dari filem High School Musical? Aku tak tahu lah. Kalau aku jenis muka gila selamba dan tak malu dengan bapanya, mungkin aku sudah pergi tegur dia dan tanya.

Hish, geram. Lagu apa?
.

The iPod revolution.

2008-11-13T17:26:00.002+08:00

[Photo stolen from here]

That is the title of the documentary I watched last night on Discovery Channel. The show earned Steve Jobs and Apple my highest respect for their mind-blowing idea, their determination and dedication to bring us the joy of holding a beautifully and lovely made iPod in our hands; if not always.

Definitely, the iPod is the most fairest of all. Bar none. No other brands or competitors can come close enough to run side by side with the iPods. The world has always been putting Apple products high up there on the golden pedestal and worship it like there's no other. But with the arrival of the first iPod, it escalated the pedestal much, much higher. Steve definitely put all his love and heart in it. And I couldn't thank him enough.

I have my own iPod. A touch. When I watched the show, I couldn't help feeling a proud love growing big inside of me. I felt the urge to take it out of my bag and to hold it at that moment. It is that beautiful and made such an impact to your life and heart. You don't love other gadgets like you love an Apple. It does not only hold your precious music close, but it gives out the best sound, the best appearance, and makes your person complete, just by sitting quietly in your pocket or hanging by your hands. Even something as simple as the white earbuds made it whole. Simple, yet classic and stylish. It has slipped through our lives and culture slowly but surely, and there it's gonna stay. Although Apples do cost a bomb, it's worth every penny and every teardrop. Not kidding.

I'm downloading more songs to put in mine, and busy looking up for album covers to sync with the songs as well. I love you Steve Jobs! More lovely things coming?

p/s: Oh, I'm planning to buy a Macbook!

.

Rabu.

2008-11-12T10:46:00.002+08:00

.

Aku sudah tulis sekerat tentang trip kami ke Melaka.

Tapi malas nak habiskan, sebab pagi ini aku malas bangun untuk pergi kerja, dan sekarang sedang lapar. Lapar ni, betul.

Dan segala komen di Facebook tentang trip itu, banyak gila kot!

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Trippy trip.

2008-11-08T12:06:00.002+08:00

I'm going on a roadtrip today! Hurray!

One of my closest friends from school is getting engaged to the man of her dreams. And we are invited to her small 'do down in Melaka. I have always loved the small lanes and paved sidewalks in the centre town. It's Melaka's pumping, beating heart. Without the antique small shops, without the blood-coloured blocks, Melaka won't be alive, in my mind at least. Can't wait for a Sunday walk tomorrow around town, peeking into shops tucked in nicely between the nooks and corners in Jonker's Street. I want to eat and talk and walk and laugh. Much! A mini holiday, I like.

The weather is always nice there. Haha, I'm seeing everything through a rose-tinted glass here. Because I'm too excited! Going anywhere with my girls has always been a fun, and happy experience. We know each other so well, not afraid to laugh at our own weaknesses and faults, and we tease each other tirelessly. All are good. These are friends we've known since we were dumped to live with each other as 13 years olds. 14 years ago. I'll do anything for these girls. Like what we used to say and write to each other when the end of school days loomed - Friends 4eva. Sangatlah budak sekolah.

Ah, I better get back to work now and finish before the half-day of work ends. Bye-bye!

Aku perlu tulis ini.

2008-11-05T20:47:00.006+08:00

.

Rasa kecewa datang lagi.
Aku tak mengerti kenapa datangnya ia bagai pasang surutnya ombak.
Bila ia datang, hempas kuat sekali.
Bila ia pergi, nah, tinggalkan sisa buih yang nampak amat sedih.
Ditinggalkan ibunya air.

Aku sangat mahu pergi.
Hatiku ronta-ronta pinta mahu langkah.
Tapi kaki aku masih terpacak kukuh di tanah.
Apa lagi yang ia nantikan?
Tiadanya tali yang menarik dari belakang.
Tiada pula gari melingkar di tangan.
Apa lagi bola besi berat yang mengheret.

Diriku bebas untuk pergi.
Tapi dengan adanya onak di depan.
Dengan ganasnya ombak di lautan.
Dengan tingginya burung di awan.
Buat aku rasa kecut.
Tidak yakin.
Tidak cukup kukuh hatiku untuk langkah, renang dan terbang.
Walau ia sangat mahu bebas.

Perlu kubalut lagi sekuatnya.
Agar mampu lalui semua.
Supaya tak mudah rapuh, dan berkecai.
Kerna tak semua yang simpati.
Sekali terlerai, terbuka semua luka.
Harus pula dibalut semula.
Cukupkah kain untuk dicarik dan dililit.
Sebanyak kali itu?

.

Hujan wang.

2008-10-31T12:12:00.004+08:00

.

Buka kepakmu, terbanglah, pergilah
Tiada gunanya kau melayang di sisiku lagi

My mind is reeling from a piece of news I read in an English daily just now. A man casually strolled through KL Sentral and again, very casually, decided to part with thousands of Ringgits. He just walked and threw the notes over his shoulder towards the air, never looking back as he did it. Very amazing. And it wasn't just RM1 notes, you know, there were RM10s, and RM50s as well. Thousands of it! The bystanders didn't know what to make of it, as it has never happened here before. Once the initial shock have died down, one person decided, 'Heck, if it's just going to be lying around here, I might as well rescue it from harm' and just bent down to pick it up from the floor.

(Tukar kepada lidah belacan. Personaliti terpisah, mungkin)

Jadi bila orang ramai yang sedang terpinga-pinga itu lihat ada orang berani ambil wang dari langit itu, apa lagi! Rebut! Orang Malaysia pula tu, takkan lah tiada episod rebutan. Lebih kurang macam naik bas atau LRT saja. Puasnya hati dapat duit percuma. Ada budak lelaki ini, dapat cekup RM600 untuk dirinya seorang. Mesti matanya hanya dapat tangkap warna not biru-hijau. Not merah tidak dilayan. Mahu beli telefon bimbit baru katanya.

Para pengawal dan sekuriti di KL Sentral sedang berusaha mencari identiti penderma itu sekarang. Ada tertangkap adegan ini di CCTV, jadi mungkin mereka sedang duduk menilik di depan skrin. Pada aku, biarkan saja. Dia mahu derma. Mungkin duit itu dia sudah tak mahu kenang, kerana tiadanya keluarga untuk dikongsi. Oh! Ataupun dia si cina yang baru menang Sports Toto RM20 juta semalam! Beberapa ribu pada dia mungkin tak jadi hal. Kalau dia mahu derma dan dikenali ramai, sudah pasti dia cetak cek sebesar yang mungkin dan panggil semua media datang dan tersenyum-senyum. Aku paling tak suka gambar orang menderma dalam suratkhabar. Tunjuk pemurah konon.

Aku cuma dengki sebab aku kena kerja dan bukan kebetulan berada di KL Sental semalam.Haha 'Sental' ya? Malas nak betulkan.

.

2008-10-30T17:28:00.004+08:00

.

Bila kupandang burung itu yang melayang tinggi
Bermain angin, menyapa bayu, berjenaka dengan awan
Sesuatu yang aneh, janggal dan keji bergolak di jiwa
Bagai mahu saja aku robek, koyak sayapnya buat aku simpan
Kerna satu saat itu yang kuhayati terbang tingginya
Buat aku rasa marah, tiadanya sayap untukku jua

Friends' photos of their ongoing big trip are all over the place and I'm feeling so jealous. This 'thing' has been nagging me since forever. I've been made to witness people around me get to spread out and fly away, anywhere. Work, trips, vacation, study. Doesn't really matter where or why. I don't mean to be selfish, and make this all about me, but it's what I feel.

For the longest time, I've been feeling like a goldfish in a round fishbowl. I've always felt like I'm made for a bigger place, I'm made to see more, to walk more. But here I am. I told people that I'm running away, but still, here I am. My feet deeply planted in the ground. I'm beginning to feel that I purposely do not make any attempt to get my feet off the ground, simply because I am already too attached to the dirt. The warmth. The certainty. But it's getting to be really frustrating because most parts of me do not want to be here. I'm tired of this great longing and desire I've been living with all these years. I would love to get it out of my system and just move on with my life, you know?

I'm tired of talking, of always planting the seeds but doesn't care enough to even bother watering it. None of my desired trees have ever borne any fruit. Typical me.

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Kosong.

2008-10-30T17:11:00.002+08:00

.

Kosong.
Tiada apa, hanya ruang.
Tiada isi, tiada barang.
Hendaknya bersuara, tiada pula tekaknya.
Hendaknya menulis, tiada pula katanya.
Apalah yang kamu mahu?
Sudah aku usaha berikan semua.
Masih kamu kosong.

.

Gotta feel it like you should.

2008-10-24T17:08:00.003+08:00

.

If it's what your heart wants to
Then let it say it, pour it out, even shout
Let it scream, let it whisper
Hold out a hand, a container
Catch whatever flowed out
If it explodes, don't run
Don't be numb, don't be stunned
Watch the sparks, admire the fire
It'll sizzle down when it wants to
Just let it be
Let it be free

.

Ucapan selamat.

2008-10-24T16:59:00.003+08:00

.

Hati aku sudah lama minta ini.
Minta, pujuk, rayu supaya aku beri ia satu ruang, satu padang, satu gunung untuk ia luahkan apa ia rasa.
Aku sudah beri, bukan tak pernah. Tapi setelah 2-3 tempat aku cari, bosan pula.
Malas nak jaga.
Jadi hati, ini kali terakhir (kita harap sajalah ya?) aku buka tempat baru ini. Kalau tak ada apa-apa, kalau tiba-tiba engkau senyap sahaja, aku tak mahu layan lagi.
Mahu cakap? Cakap sini.
Jeritlah, bisiklah, tangislah.
Aku tinggal engkau di sini, ya?

I wish you luck.

.